Introduction

Now when I'm done with the creds to Pauline it's time to give you a small introduction of myself. Most of the people probably know me by the name Izcee Silverwood and that's the name I have been hiding behind these past 11 years online. I've been a gamer for so long now that I stopped counting the years (sounds like I'm 105 or something :p) and during those years I've evolved into a gamer mom.

I'm past  my first quarter of life and have like most people done lots of good stuff and tons of stupid stuff throughout the years, though my so called "grownup life" or adulthood started for real when I met Zonk (or Zonkie). We are now on our 10^th year together and been through a lot, the most important ones would be our two little minions that goes by the nicknames Oli (6 years) and Sam (4 years).

For a long time I managed to stay away from the blog hysteria but after several things happening in my life I felt the time had come for me to find a new ventilation hole give it a try. The blog was supposed to contain stuff from my everyday life with the family, my gaming and probably the most important part of why I was doing this; all my thoughts and confusions about how you get back to your everyday normal life after you find out that your one and only love has been unfaithful and cheating on you. There will be no sort of neutrality at all, only my side of the story, only my thoughts and how I feel about it.

What and Who are the Silverwoods?

It all started x couple of years ago when I was introduced to a mmorpg called Achaea. The game is built up like our real life containing war, politics, love etc. but with the characteristics of a fantasy game.

Izcee was a lost little shaman who after a while got introduced to a serpent called Nekojin Moonflair. As time went by they fell in love and decided to get married. They both agreed on that they wanted a new family name for their upcoming family. Both parts had their suggestions but they ended up with a family name consisting of 50/50 Izcee's suggestions and 50/50 Nekojin's suggestion, Silver and Wood hence Silverwood!  I didn’t have the time or dedication that was needed for the game so I had to stop playing, but I still log Izcee in now and then to check up on my growing family. Over the years its grown quite big!

Now you can find Izcee in lots of other games, all kinds of races and professions but lately she is mostly known as, like Omai Jusmai Luk aka. Bill says, a kick ass monk! Right now you will find her on Guild Wars 2 , League of Legends and Diablo 3 so if you need any help just give me a shout and I will see what I can do.

Finding my Z

I and Zonk are now on our 10th year together. We met through a game called Utopia where I was the leader of a rather large clan, and where he was acting as my right hand. We met in real after 2 years of gaming together and during that time we got close as friends. When we met for the first time I had another boyfriend. But both me and Zonk felt that we had something that could be really, really good if we gave it a chance. We had a rough start on our relationship and maybe I should have taken it as a warning sign? Zonk decided to throw a party at his place inviting a bunch of people that I didn’t know. I ended up alone in a corner since all the others knew each other and Zonk didn’t really try to make me a part of it. Amongst the people was a girl that he used to date. I found them making out in the kitchen were her friends were singing “Summer Nights” from the movie Grease, freezing me out and being really mean.

Even though we had such a rough start he worked his but of to ensure me that I was the only one he wanted to be with and that the girl had jumped him kind of chocking him (and I know what you think here.. how naive can I be?) So we started a long distance relationship and had a few rough months but as soon as I graduated I packed my stuff and moved in with him. Meeting Zonk was the beginning of a new Silverwood family that now reaches out of the gaming world and in to the real one.

Infidelity

The first couple of months was great! We both had jobs and were having the time of our life. But after a while we started to get some real economical issues. We hardly talked anymore and when we did we almost always fought over something. After 2 years I found out that Zonk had been emotionally involved with someone else (for me that's cheating/being unfaithful). The contact between them had been close and on a daily basis (probably mostly cause they also worked together) with emails, phone calls and text messages. The few emails I found was rough with detailed scenes of all kinds of "activities" and mixed in was an open contempt of me and me being home taking up their valued time for conversations.

Finding out that the person meaning the world to me went behind my back, saying those kind of things about me to another female broke me down. I had in early years picked up the bad behavior of cutting myself when I was sad and this time there were no change. I cut my arms, legs, stomach,  you name it! Everywhere I could find an open area on my body I went lose on it. The ambulance staff had to bring me in to the psychiatric emergency where I had to deal with all my issues.

I really didn't know what to do after that but decided to stick around to see how I felt and if I wanted to continue with Zonk. (Reading what I have written makes me wonder why, but the answer to that is a friend of mine said “If it is true love you will forgive and find a way”) Short after I found out that I was pregnant and we decided to keep it, give us a second chance and move to start on a fresh basis where there were no bad memories. It was rough for several months! I couldn't stand Zonk seeing me naked or even change clothes or take a shower when he was around. If he happened to touch me I shrank back and backed up and walked away. (A side note is that since I found out about my pregnancy I have NEVER EVER cut myself again! I would never do that to my kids!) We bought an apartment close to his family and after we moved the economy got better (not great but at least better). During the pregnancy we slowly started to get to know each other again and on January 4^th 2007 I gave birth to my son Oli. Finally life was starting to feel good again!

Round Two!

So what about round two?

1 year and 1 month has passed since I found out about Zonk's second affair. This time around it was only sexual (at least he claims that, and I have to trust him on that since I have no way to know if that's true or not). Once again we had some rough times but I thought that we were getting better (Tji on me!)

2^nd of August 2008 I and Zonk's younger brother Xacko were heading for a concert in town. We were finally going to see Within Temptation! (Still having trouble to understand how the heck they managed to pull that of... since I live in a fairly small "none-townish" town) We had a great time and as we were heading home Xacko's phone rang. It was one of their other brothers, we can call him "B4", he asked Xacko if I was around which of course I was. B4 asked if I could meet up with him because he had something important to show me. Since I had been drinking I was glad as hell to meet up with B4 because I've always liked him!

When I saw B4's face I knew something was terribly wrong. My first thought was "What kind of trouble is he in; I sure hope I can help him." The first words he said to me was "Your honey isn't as sweet as you think" my brains response to that was "Here we go again!" (Though I didn't say that) He held up a cell phone and said that he could show me tons of stuff but I said no. I went home (lucky for me Oli was asleep) and yanked Zonk up from bed and he knew that I had found out. I can't recall that I was screaming at him, I think I was kind of calm (not 100% sure though) but of course tears were falling and I was heartbroken as hell. He confessed (which he didn't do round 1) showed me everything he had left (as in emails) and after I heard his side of the story I called my parents up and asked them to come get me and Oli.

Both of my parents had sadly been drinking that night so none of them could come get me (it's a 4 hour drive one way) but my darling brother hoped into the car after getting of his 12h shift. He drove 4 hours up, rested an hour while I packed our stuff into the car, drove 4 hours back and then went straight to work for another 12h shift. (Love you! You're the best brother one could have!) But now I was skipping a head for a few hours. After I made the phone call to my parents I had to call Zonk's mom because they had Oli's safety seat for the car and of course she wondered why I needed that 3 am in the morning so I just told her flat out that her son screwed up once again. She just answered "Oh no!" When we got back up to the apartment my body had enough and I just fell to the floor. I woke up a couple of hours later in my bed. Zonk had been so kind to pick me up from the floor and carry me into our bedroom.

My brother and dad came to pick us up and me and Oli spent 1 week with my parents. They took care of Oli and I kind of just walked around like a zombie. It felt like I was going to break into millions of pieces, I had trouble breathing and every time I looked at my son I could hear my heart break even more. It felt like my head was going to explode or fall of my neck cause of so many thoughts in my head. So much to decide over and now it wasn't just my own future I had to decide for. I and Zonk agreed on me coming home after a week. We asked Zonk's mom to look after Oli for the evening and if he could spend the night with them which of course was no trouble at all. Me and Oli took the train back home and Zonk and his mom and her husband came to pick us up to drive us home the final part. We dropped Oli of at his grandma and went home. Zonk didn't really know what to do so he just stood at the door. In the living room he had put roses that he bought in a vase on the table, he had spread rose petals over the whole table (very cute and romantic but very messy to clean up ;)) and he bought me candy and something to drink. He had checked with his mom if it was ok if he also spent the night at her place in case I needed to be alone but I asked him to come in. I didn't want to fight. I was torn between how much I had missed him and how much I hated what he had done. Because when you hurt as much as I did then all you want is to be hugged by the one you love and well you see the dilemma!

We had decided to go out to a restaurant so we were on neutral ground. Eat a good meal and have something to drink (it's much easier for some reason to talk and be honest and deal with emotions if you have a small amount of alcohol in your body and yes I also know that you shouldn't make any decisions when your drunk) to make it a bit easier. We sat for hours and just talked, talked about all kinds of stuff like how weird it was with a restaurant having a Chinese/French menu,  to what had happen to us, where we should go from here, talked about Oli, family and the future. When they were to close up we went home and kept talking through the night.

The next day I told Zonk I couldn't just decide "up side down" what to do. I asked if we could go to a couple counsellor/family counsellor cause no matter what this would affect Oli the most and I felt that we needed someone neutral to sort this mess out and that we both needed to find out why this happened. We got a time booked and while waiting for that day we found out that (surprise!) I was pregnant again. Could I be in a much bigger mess?

When we finally got to meet the counsellor the first thing he asked us after he heard our story was "Are you here to continue together and work on that or are you here to try and separate as friends?" Zonk answered that he wanted to know why he kept screwing up and hurting me and that he loves me and wants us to try to fix this. I really didn't know what I wanted. But I decided that i needed to at least try to fix it. I owe that much to my kids (Oli and the unborned one). Of course you shouldn't stay just because of the kids cause that doesn't work, you need to want it yourself as well and I felt that I would rather try one final time and get hurt again rather than going the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if we had tried to fix it. If things get fucked up again I can at least honestly tell my kids that mom and dad really tried everything but it just didn't work rather than just give up and take the "easy way out". And I still hadn't decided what to do with the pregnancy but I felt that with all the mess that already was around me I was in no way fit to handle an abortion. And of course the strongest reason for continuing I still loved him with all my heart!

So here we are now, 1 year and 1 month later. I gave birth to my second son Sam May 5^th 2009 and he is gorgeous! I have never ever regretted that I kept him even though there were times during the pregnancy I wondered what the hell I was doing. We are still seeing the counsellor but not as often and for those of you who still haven't figured it out yes I decided to stay with Zonk again (and yes it is ok to call me an idiot because I sometimes do that myself, and its ok to say " I told you so" if this ever happen again). Everyday life is a struggle, we have our ups and downs but I feel that we are getting better. Let's just hope Zonk feels the same!

Memory Lane (2009-10-10)

I think I’m fooling myself more than anyone in my surroundings. Yesterday I had to take a walk down memory lane and it sure wasn’t a pleasant one. I thought it would pass but I still feel like shit. To be honest it’s been shit for a while. I’m not eating and my weight is falling on top speed.  Almost anything I manage to eat I throw up. Sometimes it passes 48 hours before I eat, only thing that gets down is water and I never get hungry.

I was looking on some pictures yesterday and I looked happy, I know I thought I was happy. Sure we had some issues but what couple doesn’t? Every single picture I look at feels like a damn lie and I get so angry that all those nice memories have turned into something as horrible as a lie. And it isn’t my fault. I feel like I have this big black hole inside of me. Before it was as big as a penny, now its eating me up from the inside and reaches from the top of my chest to down below my stomach, and it hurts constantly. I cant really remember when it didn’t hurt. Pain constantly.

Counseling wasn’t fun last time either, conclusion was that Zonk is emotionally handicapped and is incapable of loving me as much as I need him to. He has a really really hard time showing emotions and it makes me feel unsure (?) of myself. I don’t get much affection from him and it makes me wonder if I really look that bad? Have I changed that much because all of this? He says he loves me but that’s about it. I think he means it as well but one needs to feel it at the same time. You need those spontaneous hugs, that gentle stroke on your cheek when you pass each other in the hall, encouraging words so you really know for sure that you look that good, and most of all just to be held so you feel secure and loved.

I feel that I’m getting indifferent about it all, I’m losing myself like I’m going on autopilot. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore or if I’m doing the right thing. I guess time will tell…

What about now?

Yes what about now? We live our life and it keeps going, and going, and going. I am still very unsecure. The person I used to be is almost gone. I used to be full of life, wanting to do stuff, planning stuff and surrounding me with people who know how to have fun. Now I don’t like crowded places anymore. If my phone rings and I don’t know who it is my stomach starts to hurt and I don’t answer. I don’t think I am happy. More like content and I keep myself and my mind occupied with 3 part time jobs, 150% school, gaming and training. I really don’t have any close friends anymore. No one I can talk to about everything because the only one has disappeared out of my life and I don’t know why. Zonk and I struggle on.. Well it’s not like a struggle more like just going with the flow. We feel like friends living together. He does stuff for me, like scratch my back every night when we go to bed so that I can fall asleep fast, he takes care of the kids when  I am tired and lets me sleep in on weekends. We rarely do stuff together anymore, we don’t even game together anymore.

Therapy worked to some extent but it feels like we are stuck. Some time ago (2 years ago I think) we had a third escapade where he didn’t come home from his works x-mas party and where I the day after got a message from an angry boyfriend shouting to me saying stuff like “why are your boyfriend sleeping with my girlfriend” etc. Zonk swore it didn’t happen. But I can never truly belive him. He never tells me the entire truth. He never keeps the times we set together and he doesn’t call when he gets late. He has lied several times through the year about what people were at parties he’s been to and so on.

I am no saint, and I have probably been a bitch through the years aswell. Everything that has happened have turned me into a very suspicious and jealous person. For a long time I controlled every single move he made. Emails, phones, computer, facebook, you name it! He didn’t leave the apartment without me saying so. But now the last years I don’t do that anymore. It is to exhausting to keep up with and it is not the person I want to be. I know that I love him with all my heart and if I go away I miss him, but the question is if I am IN love with him and if I can settle with what I get now for the rest of my life. If I can't how do I solve that problem?