I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again


ღ ♥ Linkin Park, Meteora 2003 - Breaking The Habit ♥ ღ

I think I’m fooling myself more than anyone in my surroundings. Yesterday I had to take a walk down memory lane and it sure wasn’t a pleasant one. I thought it would pass but I still feel like shit. To be honest it’s been shit for a while. I’m not eating and my weight is falling on top speed.  Almost anything I manage to eat I throw up. Sometimes it passes 48 hours before I eat, only thing that gets down is water and I never get hungry.

I was looking on some pictures yesterday and I looked happy, I know I thought I was happy. Sure we had some issues but what couple doesn’t? Every single picture I look at feels like a damn lie and I get so angry that all those nice memories have turned into something as horrible as a lie. And it isn’t my fault. I feel like I have this big black hole inside of me. Before it was as big as a penny, now its eating me up from the inside and reaches from the top of my chest to down below my stomach, and it hurts constantly. I cant really remember when it didn’t hurt. Pain constantly.

Counseling wasn’t fun last time either, conclusion was that Zonk is emotionally handicapped and is incapable of loving me as much as I need him to. He has a really really hard time showing emotions and it makes me feel unsure (?) of myself. I don’t get much affection from him and it makes me wonder if I really look that bad? Have I changed that much because all of this? He says he loves me but that’s about it. I think he means it as well but one needs to feel it at the same time. You need those spontaneous hugs, that gentle stroke on your cheek when you pass each other in the hall, encouraging words so you really know for sure that you look that good, and most of all just to be held so you feel secure and loved.

I feel that I’m getting indifferent about it all, I’m loosing myself like I’m going on autopilot. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore or if I’m doing the right thing. I guess time will tell…

My grandmother died in cancer a couple of years ago and I remember the last time I got to see her. She was in one of those homes just waiting to die. My mother had asked both me and my siblings if we wanted to go say goodbye to her because they didn’t expect her to live for much longer. I and my sister said we wanted to go so we went the next day. When we got there we first had to sit in some sort of waiting room very tastefully decorated (or not, but I guess they thought so). My mother wanted to go in and tell my grandmother that we were there before we went in. When my mom came back out to the waiting room she told us that my grandmother wouldn’t really look like herself, and she couldn’t move or even talk back to us and it was ok if we changed our minds and wanted to go back home. Both me and my sister said that we still wanted to see her, no matter how bad she was so my mom then asked us to act as normal as we could.

The corridor was so long, and grayish. I remember a few plants here and there, tables with a couple of chairs here and there and finally we got to where my grandmother was. I don’t know how it looks at your hospitals but where I live the standard most of the time is that you have 2 rooms next to each other with the doors leading to some sort of anteroom where they share a bathroom and there can be some cabinet’s that often contain materials for the staff etc.  The anteroom then leads to the corridor. We stopped in the anteroom that was leading into my grandmothers room and my mother reminds us to act as normal as we can cause she doesn’t want my grandmother to be upset. As she opens the door I catch a glimpse of my grandmother and I will never ever forget what I saw (and I will spare you all the details). I could see my sister walk in just as normal, cheerful greeting my grandmother. Me on the other hand just fell to the floor. My legs couldn’t carry me anymore. There I was sitting on the floor in the anteroom and all I could do was to cry and banging my head into the wall in front of me. I could hear and see everything but my brain turned off my body. It didn’t respond in any way as I wanted it to. Its almost like fainting but instead of blacking out your are very aware of everything that happens around you.

I can’t recall for how long I was like that but I vaguely remember coming into the room saying hi and hugging my grandmother and hearing my younger sister just talking like normal, then all of a sudden I was out in that damn waiting room again.

This is the first time that I know of I have had a reaction like that and they sadly have followed me through life when there is just way to much feelings inside of me to deal with.