I think I’m fooling myself more than anyone in my surroundings. Yesterday I had to take a walk down memory lane and it sure wasn’t a pleasant one. I thought it would pass but I still feel like shit. To be honest it’s been shit for a while. I’m not eating and my weight is falling on top speed.  Almost anything I manage to eat I throw up. Sometimes it passes 48 hours before I eat, only thing that gets down is water and I never get hungry.

I was looking on some pictures yesterday and I looked happy, I know I thought I was happy. Sure we had some issues but what couple doesn’t? Every single picture I look at feels like a damn lie and I get so angry that all those nice memories have turned into something as horrible as a lie. And it isn’t my fault. I feel like I have this big black hole inside of me. Before it was as big as a penny, now its eating me up from the inside and reaches from the top of my chest to down below my stomach, and it hurts constantly. I cant really remember when it didn’t hurt. Pain constantly.

Counseling wasn’t fun last time either, conclusion was that Zonk is emotionally handicapped and is incapable of loving me as much as I need him to. He has a really really hard time showing emotions and it makes me feel unsure (?) of myself. I don’t get much affection from him and it makes me wonder if I really look that bad? Have I changed that much because all of this? He says he loves me but that’s about it. I think he means it as well but one needs to feel it at the same time. You need those spontaneous hugs, that gentle stroke on your cheek when you pass each other in the hall, encouraging words so you really know for sure that you look that good, and most of all just to be held so you feel secure and loved.

I feel that I’m getting indifferent about it all, I’m loosing myself like I’m going on autopilot. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore or if I’m doing the right thing. I guess time will tell…