Sam is turning 5 months soon and I am now so bored with staying home. So I have decided to go back to the university. I started with a 15 points course in Food of all times at 50% speed.  And we are now on week 3. So far I have handed in two assignments and got back the result on one of them today. In Sweden the grading system goes like this:

-   = Your so bad so you don’t even get a grade

IG = Not approved

G = It’s ok

VG = Well done 

So anyways I got my first paper back and I got a VG which I’m very pleased with. And on top of that I got an offer to start on a second course called Food in Europe, also a 15 points course on 50% speed so now I’m a full time student with a 2½ years on daycare 20h/week and a 5 months at home.

Dance class has started as well so I really don’t know how I get the hours to add up! But it’s so good to finally start with some sort of training again. My legs and arms hurt but its definitely worth it!

That’s a short update so now you know why I haven’t been able to update here so much lately. I and Zonk are still going to the counsellor, in fact we have an appointment later today. Looking forward to it because it was a while ago we were there. I also started to go to my own shrink, cause apparently that will be good for me. Only been there one time so I really don’t know if it will do me good or not. We will just have to wait and see, right?

 Well I think it’s time for a late breakfast, so I’ll see you guys later!

My grandmother died in cancer a couple of years ago and I remember the last time I got to see her. She was in one of those homes just waiting to die. My mother had asked both me and my siblings if we wanted to go say goodbye to her because they didn’t expect her to live for much longer. I and my sister said we wanted to go so we went the next day. When we got there we first had to sit in some sort of waiting room very tastefully decorated (or not, but I guess they thought so). My mother wanted to go in and tell my grandmother that we were there before we went in. When my mom came back out to the waiting room she told us that my grandmother wouldn’t really look like herself, and she couldn’t move or even talk back to us and it was ok if we changed our minds and wanted to go back home. Both me and my sister said that we still wanted to see her, no matter how bad she was so my mom then asked us to act as normal as we could.

The corridor was so long, and grayish. I remember a few plants here and there, tables with a couple of chairs here and there and finally we got to where my grandmother was. I don’t know how it looks at your hospitals but where I live the standard most of the time is that you have 2 rooms next to each other with the doors leading to some sort of anteroom where they share a bathroom and there can be some cabinet’s that often contain materials for the staff etc.  The anteroom then leads to the corridor. We stopped in the anteroom that was leading into my grandmothers room and my mother reminds us to act as normal as we can cause she doesn’t want my grandmother to be upset. As she opens the door I catch a glimpse of my grandmother and I will never ever forget what I saw (and I will spare you all the details). I could see my sister walk in just as normal, cheerful greeting my grandmother. Me on the other hand just fell to the floor. My legs couldn’t carry me anymore. There I was sitting on the floor in the anteroom and all I could do was to cry and banging my head into the wall in front of me. I could hear and see everything but my brain turned off my body. It didn’t respond in any way as I wanted it to. Its almost like fainting but instead of blacking out your are very aware of everything that happens around you.

I can’t recall for how long I was like that but I vaguely remember coming into the room saying hi and hugging my grandmother and hearing my younger sister just talking like normal, then all of a sudden I was out in that damn waiting room again.

This is the first time that I know of I have had a reaction like that and they sadly have followed me through life when there is just way to much feelings inside of me to deal with.