So what about round two?

1 year and 1 month has passed since I found out about Zonk's second affair. This time around it was only sexual (at least he claims that, and I have to trust him on that since I have no way to know if that's true or not). Once again we had some rough times but I thought that we were getting better (Tji on me!)

2^nd of August 2008 I and Zonk's younger brother Xacko were heading for a concert in town. We were finally going to see Within Temptation! (Still having trouble to understand how the heck they managed to pull that of... since I live in a fairly small "none-townish" town) We had a great time and as we were heading home Xacko's phone rang. It was one of their other brothers, we can call him "B4", he asked Xacko if I was around which of course I was. B4 asked if I could meet up with him because he had something important to show me. Since I had been drinking I was glad as hell to meet up with B4 because I've always liked him!

When I saw B4's face I knew something was terribly wrong. My first thought was "What kind of trouble is he in; I sure hope I can help him." The first words he said to me was "Your honey isn't as sweet as you think" my brains response to that was "Here we go again!" (Though I didn't say that) He held up a cell phone and said that he could show me tons of stuff but I said no. I went home (lucky for me Oli was asleep) and yanked Zonk up from bed and he knew that I had found out. I can't recall that I was screaming at him, I think I was kind of calm (not 100% sure though) but of course tears were falling and I was heartbroken as hell. He confessed (which he didn't do round 1) showed me everything he had left (as in emails) and after I heard his side of the story I called my parents up and asked them to come get me and Oli.

Both of my parents had sadly been drinking that night so none of them could come get me (it's a 4 hour drive one way) but my darling brother hoped into the car after getting of his 12h shift. He drove 4 hours up, rested an hour while I packed our stuff into the car, drove 4 hours back and then went straight to work for another 12h shift. (Love you! You're the best brother one could have!) But now I was skipping a head for a few hours. After I made the phone call to my parents I had to call Zonk's mom because they had Oli's safety seat for the car and of course she wondered why I needed that 3 am in the morning so I just told her flat out that her son screwed up once again. She just answered "Oh no!" When we got back up to the apartment my body had enough and I just fell to the floor. I woke up a couple of hours later in my bed. Zonk had been so kind to pick me up from the floor and carry me into our bedroom.

My brother and dad came to pick us up and me and Oli spent 1 week with my parents. They took care of Oli and I kind of just walked around like a zombie. It felt like I was going to break into millions of pieces, I had trouble breathing and every time I looked at my son I could hear my heart break even more. It felt like my head was going to explode or fall of my neck cause of so many thoughts in my head. So much to decide over and now it wasn't just my own future I had to decide for. I and Zonk agreed on me coming home after a week. We asked Zonk's mom to look after Oli for the evening and if he could spend the night with them which of course was no trouble at all. Me and Oli took the train back home and Zonk and his mom and her husband came to pick us up to drive us home the final part. We dropped Oli of at his grandma and went home. Zonk didn't really know what to do so he just stood at the door. In the living room he had put roses that he bought in a vase on the table, he had spread rose petals over the whole table (very cute and romantic but very messy to clean up ;)) and he bought me candy and something to drink. He had checked with his mom if it was ok if he also spent the night at her place in case I needed to be alone but I asked him to come in. I didn't want to fight. I was torn between how much I had missed him and how much I hated what he had done. Because when you hurt as much as I did then all you want is to be hugged by the one you love and well you see the dilemma!

We had decided to go out to a restaurant so we were on neutral ground. Eat a good meal and have something to drink (it's much easier for some reason to talk and be honest and deal with emotions if you have a small amount of alcohol in your body and yes I also know that you shouldn't make any decisions when your drunk) to make it a bit easier. We sat for hours and just talked, talked about all kinds of stuff like how weird it was with a restaurant having a Chinese/French menu,  to what had happen to us, where we should go from here, talked about Oli, family and the future. When they were to close up we went home and kept talking through the night.

The next day I told Zonk I couldn't just decide "up side down" what to do. I asked if we could go to a couple counsellor/family counsellor cause no matter what this would affect Oli the most and I felt that we needed someone neutral to sort this mess out and that we both needed to find out why this happened. We got a time booked and while waiting for that day we found out that (surprise!) I was pregnant again. Could I be in a much bigger mess?

When we finally got to meet the counsellor the first thing he asked us after he heard our story was "Are you here to continue together and work on that or are you here to try and separate as friends?" Zonk answered that he wanted to know why he kept screwing up and hurting me and that he loves me and wants us to try to fix this. I really didn't know what I wanted. But I decided that i needed to at least try to fix it. I owe that much to my kids (Oli and the unborned one). Of course you shouldn't stay just because of the kids cause that doesn't work, you need to want it yourself as well and I felt that I would rather try one final time and get hurt again rather than going the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if we had tried to fix it. If things get fucked up again I can at least honestly tell my kids that mom and dad really tried everything but it just didn't work rather than just give up and take the "easy way out". And I still hadn't decided what to do with the pregnancy but I felt that with all the mess that already was around me I was in no way fit to handle an abortion. And of course the strongest reason for continuing I still loved him with all my heart!

So here we are now, 1 year and 1 month later. I gave birth to my second son Sam May 5^th 2009 and he is gorgeous! I have never ever regretted that I kept him even though there were times during the pregnancy I wondered what the hell I was doing. We are still seeing the counsellor but not as often and for those of you who still haven't figured it out yes I decided to stay with Zonk again (and yes it is ok to call me an idiot because I sometimes do that myself, and its ok to say " I told you so" if this ever happen again). Everyday life is a struggle, we have our ups and downs but I feel that we are getting better. Let's just hope Zonk feels the same!